I\u2019ve been with my wife for 15 years. We\u2019re in our 40s, have two children and are very happy. We both have good jobs and make about $400,000 a year combined. My wife\u2019s grandfather made a decent-sized fortune for himself and left his kids a thriving business and sizable trust funds.\u00a0<\/p>\n
The trusts and other investments are controlled by my mother-in-law, even though they are meant for my wife. As we don\u2019t have access to them or specific knowledge about them, I have always preached and practiced that we need to budget and live within our means \u2014 meaning our direct income, savings, etc.\u00a0<\/p>\n
However, with the knowledge that there is this money and with feedback from my wife\u2019s family always being along the lines of \u201cdon\u2019t worry about the money\u201d or \u201cit will be fine,\u201d we have spent beyond what I would otherwise say is smart.\u00a0<\/p>\n
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\n \u201c<\/span>\u2018Life in New York is not cheap, and with two kids, we are now getting to the point where there is no more meat left on the bone. We are in the red at the end of the year.\u2019\u201d<\/span>\n <\/p>\n<\/p><\/div>\n<\/p><\/div>\n Life in New York is not cheap, and with two kids, we are now getting to the point where there is no more meat left on the bone. We are in the red at the end of the year. I worry about how much we are spending on dining out and groceries, while at the same time discussing a near $1 million renovation of our apartment. That money would have to come from our mother-in-law.\u00a0<\/p>\n We monitor our credit-card spending, and we stress out as we come to the end of each cycle. At the same time, we are also being cc\u2019d on messages from her family about investment opportunities. It\u2019s not lost on us that we are lucky, and that this is not a scenario where her mother is blowing through her money.\u00a0<\/p>\n My mother-in-law is generous and feels like she is protecting my wife and her family. That said, she is not necessarily the most financially savvy, and any conversation my wife tries to have with her is met with instant and irrational resistance.\u00a0<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \n \u201c<\/span>\u2018My mother-in-law is generous and feels like she is protecting my wife and her family. That said, she is not necessarily the most financially savvy.\u2019\u201d<\/span>\n <\/p>\n<\/p><\/div>\n<\/p><\/div>\n If our reality is that we need to live and plan like a family of four making what we make, I am fine with that, but significant changes have to be made. If our reality is that we are blessed with some wealth and have flexibility both in how we spend now and how we plan, then of course that is great. But we\u2019re living in purgatory, and that is stressful and hard to manage.\u00a0<\/p>\n I can\u2019t write a check to our credit-card company that says, \u201cDon\u2019t worry, my wife\u2019s family says it will be fine.\u201d No one is looking to take bags of money and run to Vegas, but it\u2019s hard to live in two different realities.\u00a0<\/p>\n I get along well with my mother-in-law and the rest of my wife\u2019s family. We are very close and I don\u2019t want to risk that, but how do we get our message across and navigate this situation?\u00a0<\/p>\n Waiting for the Big Day<\/p>\n If your mother-in-law is taking her sweet time before dishing out a dollop of cash to her family, she sounds pretty savvy to me.<\/p>\n You\u2019re not living in purgatory; you\u2019re living in fantasyland. You\u2019re seeking out short-term thrills over long-term goals. It\u2019s folly to spend like you have millions of dollars in the bank when the fact is that your wife has millions of dollars sitting in a trust fund that may or may not be released to her within the next 10 or 20 years. Your wife\u2019s mother, let\u2019s hope, leads a long and healthy life, and she could insist on pulling those purse strings long into her 90s.<\/p>\n If your mother-in-law is the executor of the trust and has been charged with managing the estate according to the terms of the trust or her own wishes, it may be a long time before your wife sees any of that family money. With a sizable inheritance comes great responsibility and, oftentimes, greater egos. Don\u2019t fall into the trap of spending money like you have special dispensation to run up bills regardless of the consequences.<\/p>\n First of all, you will make yourself dependent on your mother-in-law\u2019s largesse if you end up struggling to pay back loans, especially now that interest rates are rising and look like they\u2019re not going to do a U-turn anytime soon. She may not look kindly on you spending money with the expectation that she will distribute funds from the family trust. Doing so may even persuade her that you and your wife are not in a position to manage a large sum of money.<\/p>\n Second, it\u2019s good practice to live within your means, and it also provides a good example for your children. They may or may not have to worry about money when they get older. This is a good window of opportunity for you to teach them about the value of money, how to budget and live within their means \u2014 before the family trust is eventually distributed and they come to believe they are financially secure for the rest of their lives.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \n \u201c<\/span>\u2018She may not look kindly on you spending money with the expectation that she will distribute funds from the family trust. Doing so may even persuade her that you and your wife are not in a position to manage a large sum of money.\u2019\u201d<\/span>\n <\/p>\n<\/p><\/div>\n<\/p><\/div>\n This is not a unique dilemma \u2014 or rather, privilege. Roughly $70 trillion will be transferred to younger generations over the next 25 years, according to a recent report from Cerulli Associates, a research and consulting firm specializing in asset-management and -distribution trends. Chayce Horton, an analyst at Cerulli, refers \u2014 somewhat gauchely, perhaps \u2014 to the recipients of such windfalls as \u201cwinners of wallet share.\u201d It\u2019s better than lucky muckers, I guess.<\/p>\n Still, Horton also wrote, \u201cExtending interfamily relationships to involve the entire range of stakeholders rather than just the current controllers of that wealth will create a greater sense of responsibility and inclusion among heirs that will help in the likely case that more complex discussions about management of the family\u2019s wealth occur in the future.\u201d If your mother-in-law is dangling a carrot, you can teach your children the value of carrots.<\/p>\n Another caveat: Any money your wife receives will legally belong to her under New York law. Inheritance is regarded as separate \u2014 not as community property. Let\u2019s say she receives $10 million at some point in the future. If the state of your marriage were to change, or she changes or you change, you would not be entitled to any of it under the law. That inherited money is your wife\u2019s to keep. Whether you stay together forever or split up, it\u2019s technically not your money.<\/p>\n New York is an expensive city to live in, but you earn roughly four times the median household income, so you\u2019re already ahead. I understand that it feels exciting to spend money and live large and to have the sense that you are blessed by the money gods. But if you are already in the red, it\u2019s a bad omen of things to come. I refer you to the cautionary tale of the wife and the woodcutter and their three wishes.<\/p>\n You\u00a0can email The Moneyist with any financial and ethical questions at qfottrell@marketwatch.com, and follow Quentin Fottrell on\u00a0Twitter.<\/a><\/strong><\/em><\/strong><\/em><\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n Check out\u00a0the Moneyist private Facebook<\/strong><\/em>\u00a0group, where we look for answers to life\u2019s thorniest money issues. Readers write in to me with all sorts of dilemmas. Post your questions, tell me what you want to know more about, or weigh in on the latest Moneyist columns.<\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n The Moneyist regrets he cannot reply to questions individually.<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n More from Quentin Fottrell<\/strong>:<\/p>\n \u2018My sister is always struggling with money and drugs\u2019: I own a house with my husband and mother. Should we cut my sister out of the family inheritance?<\/p>\n My ex-partner \u2018demanded\u2019 that I pay 50% of our daughter\u2019s medical expenses. He earns 3 times my salary. Is that fair?<\/p>\n \u2018I feel very hurt\u2019: My late wife\u2019s parents cut me out of their will \u2014 and reduced my daughter\u2019s inheritance. We\u2019re being punished after I remarried. What do we do?<\/p>\n<\/p><\/div>\nDear Waiting,<\/strong><\/h2>\n