I have a very happy marriage. We have two teenage children, 13 and 15, who are very well balanced, and who are currently at summer camp. That is costing us $1,500 for one week, and I don\u2019t mind paying it. It\u2019s a rite of passage, and we both see it as integral for developing their social skills as they learn to navigate the world in what is often a tumultuous time.<\/p>\n
I work in financial services and earn around $160,000 a year, not including commission, which varies depending on the year. Last year I pulled in $90,000 in commissions, which was a good year for me, but also not so great after the IRS took a chunk in taxes. We own a four-bedroom home in New Jersey that will be paid off in about eight years.<\/p>\n
My wife has her own business selling cosmetics online, and she makes around $60,000 in a good year doing that. She\u2019s a stay-at-home mother, and she\u2019s also a French tutor for students from a local private school. I\u2019ve told friends that my wife thinks she\u2019s Kim Kardashian because of her cosmetics business, but also because of her lifestyle.\u00a0<\/p>\n
\n \u201c<\/span>\u2018I have three suits, two of which I usually wear to work on days I have meetings, and one that I save for special occasions.\u2019\u201d<\/span>\n <\/p>\n<\/p><\/div>\n<\/p><\/div>\n She has weekly nights out with friends. They call it \u201ccocktail night.\u201d I\u2019ve checked her credit-card bill and she has $10,000 that has yet to be paid off, including expenditures from her business. I confronted her about this, and she said that \u201cyou have to spend money in order to make money,\u201d and that she would pay off the card in its entirety by next month.<\/p>\n But it\u2019s getting worse. The problem is what I would call her lavish lifestyle. She can spend $50 to $90 on cocktail night, and she has a wardrobe with clothes that she doesn\u2019t wear. I have three suits, two of which I usually wear to work on days I have meetings, and one that I save for special occasions. The rest of my clothes are shirts and chinos that I bought on Amazon and at Banana Republic.\u00a0<\/p>\n While I\u2019m saving money buying shirts on Amazon I play golf twice a week. That\u2019s my way of relaxing. It\u2019s where I go to meet my friends and socialize. I have about two good golf buddies, and that\u2019s enough for me. I drive a 10-year-old Volvo Am I being unreasonable?<\/p>\n Volvo-Driving Husband<\/p>\n Related: <\/strong>\u2018When I ran it past the missus, she went ballistic\u2019: I want to buy a $40,000 car, but my wife said no. Then things really got weird.<\/p>\n If your wife is Kim Kardashian, does that make you Tiger Woods? I ask because you are both pursuing your respective dreams, and I support you both in your endeavors. Your wife is a stay-at-home mother who has created a successful \u2014 judging by her annual income \u2014 side hustle selling cosmetics online and teaching French to local private-school students. Plus, she is raising two children while you are working all day. That\u2019s no small feat. Unlike Kim Kardashian, she has a staff of one: herself. I applaud her for entrepreneurial spirit.\u00a0<\/p>\n \n \u201c<\/span>\u2018Unlike Kim Kardashian, your wife has a staff of one: herself.\u00a0\u2018\u201d<\/span>\n <\/p>\n<\/p><\/div>\n<\/p><\/div>\n You both have social lives that must be racking up costs. You are connecting with friends and taking time out for yourself on the golf course. An annual membership at a golf club can cost your wife\u2019s current credit-card balance, and I have no doubt that there are other ancillary expenses \u2014 not to mention how much it costs to eat lunch or dinner and have a drink in the clubhouse afterwards. My point: You both need to unwind, and you both need lives outside of home and work. You both deserve time out. And you both will benefit from having a community \u2014 whether it\u2019s drinks with friends, or golf, or both.<\/p>\n Financially, you\u2019re in good shape. You are pulling in over $200,000 a year jointly, and you have Social Security and a 401(k). Your house will be paid off \u2014 presumably before you retire \u2014 and when your children get older you will likely have the option of downsizing. I hope you have 529 plans for your kids\u2019 college education, along with at least six months\u2019 worth of expenses tucked away in your emergency savings. You should both pay off your credit cards every month. I assume your wife is planning to do that and is using the balance to boost her credit-card points.<\/p>\n Transparency is important and communication is key to all successful relationships. Rather than snooping on your wife\u2019s credit-card statements \u2014 you would probably not like it if she did the same to you and started questioning that $65 dinner-and-drinks bill from the golf club \u2014 try creating a joint household budget with your income in one column and your expenditures in another column. That way you can come to an agreement about how much is wise to spend every month, and how much \u201cmad money\u201d you can put aside for leisure activities.\u00a0<\/p>\n While I agree that it\u2019s better to buy clothes that you will wear \u2014 and your wife may wear these clothes at some point \u2014 men generally don\u2019t have the same interest in fashion and clothing as women. I don\u2019t think it\u2019s realistic to expect your wife to wear only chinos and shirts from Amazon and Banana Republic An independent financial consultant might very reasonably consider you both to have lavish lifestyles, given that the term is highly subjective. I encourage you both to continue spending time with friends. It\u2019s money well spent. It\u2019s good for your marriage to have time apart and to have your own interests, and having a community and social support is also beneficial for your mental health. COVID took a toll on people\u2019s social networks, and Americans spend more time with their children than previous generations did, and also work longer hours. Men, research suggests, also tend to suffer more from lack of a social network than do women.<\/p>\n \u201cAmericans who have more friends report higher levels of satisfaction with the number of friends they have,\u201d according to this 2021 report by the Survey Center on American Life titled \u201cThe State of American Friendship: Change, Challenges, and Loss.\u201d The researchers reported: \u201cAs Americans accumulate additional friends, their level of satisfaction grows.\u201d Among those without any close friends, only 29% report being completely\/very satisfied with their number of friends. A majority (56%) of people with 4 or 5 friends said they were completely\/very satisfied. The level of satisfaction rose with the number of friends. Personally, two or three good pals are worth 10 acquaintances.<\/p>\n Help each other and show interest in each other\u2019s work and personal lives and friends. The stronger your social network, the more support you will have. Try not to judge each other. And the next time you tell your friends at the golf club that your wife is New Jersey\u2019s Kim Kardashian or any other celebrity, say it with pride and turn it into a compliment. Your wife is doing a great job raising your kids, balancing work with leisure and also turning what could have been a loss-making enterprise into a successful business. There may come a time that you will be very glad you made that comparison.\u00a0<\/p>\n
\n AMZN,
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\n \u2014 yes, Amazon! \u2014 my wife is living like she\u2019s starring in her own reality TV show, posting on Instagram. I feel like the differences in our spending habits are taking a toll not only on our finances, but also on our marriage. I\u2019ve got a 401(k) with $800,000 in it, and I want us to be able to retire and live a small, modest life.<\/p>\n
\n VOLV.B,
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\n and my wife drives a six-year-old Nissan
\n 7201,
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\n I\u2019d like to get a Tesla
\n TSLA,
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\n but I\u2019m conscious that the car I have works and gets me where I want to go.<\/p>\nDear Volvo Driver,<\/strong><\/h2>\n
\n GPS,
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\n for work and play. Women\u2019s clothing also tends to be, on the whole, more expensive than men\u2019s clothing. I\u2019m not trying to reinforce gender stereotypes \u2014 I merely point out that women\u2019s fashion tends to be more varied and exciting than the modern man\u2019s uniform of a suit and tie.<\/p>\n