I am married, but we are both different people, and I get the feeling my husband doesn\u2019t even like me. He\u2019s too tired to leave, and we don\u2019t have anything but bills. He doesn\u2019t have a driver\u2019s license, and he won\u2019t even go to court to pay his fines and get it back. He\u2019s content with living paycheck to paycheck.\u00a0<\/p>\n
I\u2019d like to be able to leave my girls something. Unlike our parents, we\u2019ve always struggled except for the beginning of our marriage when he was making $70,000 a year. Now, he doesn\u2019t make half of that. I was working until I fell at home and started receiving unemployment, but I\u2019ve always done side jobs. I still get ideas of ways to make money selling online.<\/p>\n
\n \u201c<\/span>\u2018Just when I thought it couldn\u2019t get any worse, it did: he won\u2019t file income taxes, so I guess he thinks he\u2019s invincible.\u2019\u201d<\/span>\n <\/p>\n<\/p><\/div>\n<\/p><\/div>\n Meanwhile, my husband has no desire for change. We\u2019re getting old, our bodies are breaking down, and I\u2019d love to own a home again, but it seems like he\u2019s trying to take me down with him: he drives without a license. Just when I thought it couldn\u2019t get any worse, it did: he won\u2019t file income taxes, so I guess he thinks he\u2019s invincible.\u00a0<\/p>\n My kids still need me. I don\u2019t want his actions to destroy me. Do you think a legal separation and bankruptcy will help? I don\u2019t know what else to do. He\u2019s gotten so mean when I ask him about his plans.<\/p>\n Desperate for Change<\/p>\n The change in your husband\u2019s behavior may be a combination of factors. But the end result for your marriage may very well be the same.\u00a0<\/p>\n Your husband may have substance-misuse issues, or undiagnosed mental-health problems. There are many proven treatments for depression and other mental illnesses available. They include medication and psychotherapy, often available through work-based insurance plans, as well as meditation, getting enough sleep, eating right and being physically active. If that is the case, the person needs to want to get help and agree to accepting help.\u00a0<\/p>\n But there are immediate issues that need addressing: Driving without a license could result in a hefty fine and jail time. If he was in a car accident, and he was at fault, he could also face substantial damages for a first-time offense. Penalties vary by state. In Maryland, for example, he could face a fine of $1,000 and up to one year in jail. In Delaware, he could face a $1,500 fine, license and registration suspension for up to six months, and up to five years in jail.\u00a0<\/p>\n Not filing income taxes is another, equally worrying example that your husband has given up as a net contributor to society. According to the IRS: \u201cThe failure-to-pay penalty is one-half of one percent for each month, or part of a month, up to a maximum of 25%, of the amount of tax that remains unpaid from the due date of the return until the tax is paid in full.\u201d He is either unwilling or unable to get a job. It\u2019s hard to give an accurate diagnosis from a letter, but this can\u2019t go on.<\/p>\n \u201cAlthough marriage counseling isn\u2019t a topic that was covered in my financial advisor training, it seems quite clear to me that your life does need a change,\u201d says George Gagliardi, a certified financial planner, based in Lexington, Mass. \u201cMore to the point, you are seeking to exit what seems to be an untenable situation and thus have a chance to get control of your life, financially and otherwise.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cState laws vary considerably regarding divorce, child support and custody, and financial support,\u201d he adds. \u201cBankruptcy laws are federal, but I wouldn\u2019t even consider that option before resolving your family situation. Thus, I would strongly recommend finding a family-law attorney who could better lay out the options available to you in your situation. You don\u2019t want your husband\u2019s legal and financial transgressions to take you down with him.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cIt is good to hear that you have some ideas regarding ways to make money online, but that is secondary to first getting your family situation resolved,\u201d he adds. \u201cThe safety of you and your children is something else that an attorney can discuss with you. Getting safe accommodations and the ability to feed and support your children is something with which a state or local agency or a charitable organization might be able to assist you.\u201d<\/p>\n At some point, you do need to take action. That could involve two steps: an intervention by family members to implore your husband to seek help and, if that does not work, steps to protect your family\u2019s future. A divorce lawyer will help you weigh your options regarding the practicality of a divorce vs. an official separation. If you do not have shared property and you intend to buy one in the future, the former would appear to be the most practical option.<\/p>\n You have a right to have a safe and financially secure home, peace of mind and a worry-free retirement, and you have the right to be happy.<\/p>\n If you, or a family member, needs help with a mental or substance use disorder, call <\/em><\/strong>SAMHSA\u2019s National Helpline<\/em><\/strong> at 1-800-662-HELP (4357) or TTY: 1-800-487-4889, or text your ZIP code to 435748 (HELP4U), or use <\/em><\/strong>SAMHSA\u2019s Behavioral Health Treatment Services Locator<\/em><\/strong> to get help.<\/em><\/strong> You can also find more resources and advice for families from SAMHSA <\/em><\/strong>here<\/em><\/strong>.<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\nDear Desperate,<\/strong><\/h2>\n
Bankruptcy may be a step too far<\/h2>\n