{"id":13872,"date":"2023-05-25T19:37:16","date_gmt":"2023-05-25T23:37:16","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/ifintechworld.com\/news\/my-wife-wants-us-to-spend-5000-to-attend-her-cousins-destination-wedding-i-dont-want-to-go-am-i-being-selfish\/"},"modified":"2023-05-25T19:37:18","modified_gmt":"2023-05-25T23:37:18","slug":"my-wife-wants-us-to-spend-5000-to-attend-her-cousins-destination-wedding-i-dont-want-to-go-am-i-being-selfish","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/ifintechworld.com\/?p=13872","title":{"rendered":"My wife wants us to spend $5,000 to attend her cousin\u2019s destination wedding. I don\u2019t want to go. Am I being selfish?"},"content":{"rendered":"
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Dear Quentin,<\/strong><\/h2>\n

My wife and I are fighting over money \u2014 actually, a wedding, to be exact. She wants us and our daughter to fly across the country to attend her cousin\u2019s destination wedding. I can take time off work, but I do not want to spend $5,000 on this trip.\u00a0<\/p>\n

\n

I make a very good living compared to her, and just bought a very expensive new car. I also spend a good amount of disposable income on my activities. I do pay a lot more than my wife toward our living expenses.\u00a0<\/p>\n

I told her she can use her savings to fund this trip, and I will happily attend. She says I am rubbing it in her face that I make more money than her and $5,000 is no big deal to me. But, hey, $5,000 is $5,000. <\/p>\n

This cousin didn\u2019t fly in to attend our wedding and only sent a modest gift.\u00a0I\u2019ve met him maybe three times during our five-year marriage. Am I being selfish?<\/p>\n

Unsure In New York<\/p>\n

Dear Unsure,<\/strong><\/h2>\n

I have some questions for you. <\/p>\n

You write about the relationship between yourself and your wife\u2019s cousin \u2014 and that you have only met him three times in five years \u2014 but what is the relationship between your wife and her cousin? If she is close to this cousin, and you would normally spend several thousands of dollars on a vacation together, would it hurt to roll this destination wedding into a broader vacation for your family?\u00a0If this cousin is not engaged in your life, do you have to be engaged in his? <\/p>\n

What is this standoff really about? From your letter, it seems that you can afford to take such an expensive vacation, and spend money on your own leisure activities, but you have a problem with a) being cajoled into a destination wedding and b) the fact that it is for a person you don\u2019t know very well. It\u2019s one or two days, and then you could take advantage of the trip to have private family time. It does not have to be an all-or-nothing prospect.<\/p>\n

Destination weddings are fun for those who can afford them, and people who can\u2019t afford them can usually (but not always) send their regrets. This poll by the personal-finance platform LendingTree found that destination-wedding guests spend about $1,400 on average, including on travel, gifts and personal items, and they spend upwards of $2,500 for such weddings outside of the U.S. That\u2019s close to a monthly rent or mortgage repayment for many people.<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n
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\n \u201c<\/span>\u2018Every dollar you spend on an expensive car or lavish leisure activities is money you won\u2019t have if an emergency strikes, and it\u2019s also money you won\u2019t have for your and your wife\u2019s retirement.\u2019\u201d<\/span>\n <\/p>\n<\/p><\/div>\n<\/p><\/div>\n

Let\u2019s talk about your spending for a minute. Your money, your choice, right? Yes, and no. Every dollar you spend on an expensive car or lavish leisure activities is money you won\u2019t have if an emergency strikes \u2014 you lose your job or there\u2019s a surprise medical event \u2014 and it\u2019s also money you won\u2019t have for your and<\/em> your wife\u2019s retirement. It\u2019s no surprise that you are having trouble making this decision together if you already act unilaterally on major financial decisions. <\/p>\n

So to answer your question: No, you are not being selfish \u2014 but neither is your wife. You both sound like strong-willed people. This wedding has become a flashpoint for other issues in your marriage: the difference in your salaries, your willingness to spend tens of thousands of dollars on a new car but not on your wife\u2019s cousin\u2019s destination wedding. The wedding reception has become a battleground: Do you care about your stuff, or your wife\u2019s wishes?<\/p>\n

That\u2019s an impossible question to answer. Step back. This is an opportunity to have a bigger and healthier conversation about how you both spend money, and how much you should put into a joint account so you can have less-contentious discussions without falling back on the \u201cI earn more money than you and it\u2019s coming out of my pocket\u201d conversation. I know you earn more than your wife, but do you want a lifetime of having that<\/em> conversation?<\/p>\n

The time has come to end that once and for all.<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n<\/figure><\/div>\n

You\u00a0can email The Moneyist with any financial and ethical questions at qfottrell@marketwatch.com, and follow Quentin Fottrell on\u00a0Twitter.<\/a><\/strong><\/em><\/strong><\/em><\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n

Check out\u00a0the Moneyist private Facebook<\/strong><\/em>\u00a0group, where we look for answers to life\u2019s thorniest money issues. Readers write to me with all sorts of dilemmas.\u00a0<\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n

By emailing your questions, you agree to have them published anonymously on MarketWatch. By submitting your story to Dow Jones & Co., the publisher of MarketWatch, you understand and agree that we may use your story, or versions of it, in all media and platforms, including via third parties<\/em><\/strong>.<\/p>\n

The Moneyist regrets he cannot reply to questions individually.<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

More from Quentin Fottrell:<\/strong><\/p>\n

\u2018We grew up poor and financially ignorant\u2019: My children are 14 and 16. Is it too late to save for their college education?<\/p>\n

\u2018Poor people are not stupid\u2019: I grew up in poverty, earned $14 an hour, and inherited $150,000. Here\u2019s what I have learned from my windfall.<\/p>\n

I\u2019m 46 and a single mother. Should I empty my 401(k) to pay off my house? There\u2019s $128,000 on the mortgage.<\/p>\n<\/p><\/div>\n<\/div>\n